The house and I feel lighter. Astonishing the impact of the absence of one box, plus a tote bag full of old magazines and catalogs.

Astonishing, also, that, yesterday, I held in my hands something I'd wanted for a long time, and realized I no longer wanted it. Blink, blink, blink. For the record, it was a little black Kate Spade bag that kittengirly found at Goodwill. Have wanted one of those for years. Chances are good it was probably faux; don't so much care about that. What was interesting was that I walked around with it for five minutes, and it felt false in my hands. So I let it go. Strange, n'est-ce-pas, how a thing can seem so important, and then just fade out? Was a little more disappointed in having to say goodbye to the wine-red velvet wrap dress, which, despite my wrapping it to within an inch of its life, was still too darned big for me. Realized just this very second that I could have bought it and had somebody who knows how to sew re-cut it into a frock coat for me. Damnit! Oh well...

Burned part of a gift certificate on the perfect lightweight floofy scarf for summer. Everybody's got a signature piece. I just like wearing them, the way they feel around my neck. Ditto those fingerless gloves for the hands. Anyway, thank goodness for accessories, because found that, and two bars of vanilla bean soap that smell simply adorable. Found the cut of jeans I wanted, too, but they didn't have them in a color I liked. Found the correct color later, online, in the size and cut I'd already established, and the total, including shipping, matched exactly what was left on the gift card.

So, even though I spent most of yesterday still feeling quite weird, it was good to spend time with kittengirly. I missed her. And you simply must prevail upon her to share the recipe for the dinner she made us last night. Astonishing!

*fuzzles*

Later, created a new Pandora station and rocked out to it while working on a decoupage piece. I already had a "bright" station, so I made myself a "dark" one. And now all that's best of "dark" and "bright" meet in my desktop and my ears.

*g*

Amusingly enough, Ella got the last word. In the midst of a stream of Sugar Cubes, Misfits, Siouxsie, New Order, et. al., PR suddenly pitches me "Get Thee Behind Me Satan." Dissolved into a fit of laughter that probably has my neighbors double-checking their deadbolts even as we speak. Apparently you were right, cynthtastic; mostly Ella's just too damn perky for me, but she totally nailed it.

*giggles*

On a somewhat more sober note, am reading Crazy Time, which is supposedly a classic for people going through a divorce. It's greatly reassuring to see yourself and your experiences on the page. The language is a tad too cutesy, with too many buzzwords, but the substance pretty much nails it. Everything that's happening to me--the swings between euphoria and guilt, confidence and anxiety, fear, sadness, depression, more guilt, anger, etc.--is all normal. That reassures me more than I can tell you. I mean, I know I'm not the first person on the planet to make a marital mistake. But, in that short-sighted egotism that tends to descend upon one in times of trouble, I just figured I was some kind of special misfit who can't have good relationships. I am starting to see how that's not so much true.

And here's the other funny thing: most of my past relationships were good. There was that soul-crusher one, true, but that one spurred me on to grow in ways I might not have had my soul not been totally crushed. But I picked some really good guys. Fun guys (not at all poisonous!). Smart, cute, classy ones. Guys who did sweet things like dress up like McGruff the Crime Dog and talk to elementary school kids about being safe. Guys who played the piano. This was a deviation from the pattern, is all.

And the more I think about it, the relationship that evolved into the marriage was the very first one I had after the soul-crushing one. So I'm kind of not surprised anymore it turned out this way. Even though I deliberately didn't date anybody for a year after it happened, and thought I was on an even keel, I picked the wrong guy because I hadn't really dealt with all the soul-crushing stuff. So, I suppose I need to talk to somebody about that. It might be you; it might not. It's one of those things that's difficult to talk about, still.

*sighs*

Jeepers creepers, where did all that come from? No matter. I'll not change a word of it. This is who I am, and where I am, and if all my stumbling around proves instructive to somebody, than it shan't have been a wasted effort.

*handdust*


It's our world, and you're just a squirrel. Can I just tell you how thrilled I am to be alive at this time? Every day in this brave new world is Mirandariffic. Also, that graphic is a hoot.

*fuzzles*

Also, cool stuff at the state library.

Writing workshop. Perhaps should make an effort to type up some dialogue before going? Thank goodness for flash drives. Or, maybe, could take them the pencil holder I made last night. One of the guys in our small group is an artist who's just started writing, and we've been having good conversations about being good at one thing and dabbling in another. Also, all the misfit playwrights have drifted to their own side of the table. Mwahahaha.

I love you so much for listening, you know that? I truly do.

*blushes*

That is affectionately all.